I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
