I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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