He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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