Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
