so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
