I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
