you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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