you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
