Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
