the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
