who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
