i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
