I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
