Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
