My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
