ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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