For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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