I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
