and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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