New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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