Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you made out with another girl for some wings
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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