he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
