my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
