I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
