I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
