i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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