Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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