I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize