wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I will pee on everything he values.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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