I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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