Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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