i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
