My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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