I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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