I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
