WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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