she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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