i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
