she sounds like chewbacca in bed
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
