I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
