There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
