Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
