i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
