Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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