Screwed.edu
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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