halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
