i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
