Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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