we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
40s are totally the cure
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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