Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
