: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
