i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
