My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
